Boundaries are invisible

Which means they can be moved. The person setting boundaries is often seen as the villain. But boundaries don’t just show what is acceptable behavior–what we consider normal around here–they also define what isn’t allowed.

Boundaries vary based on context and relationship. The boundaries for an 8-year-old are different from those of an adult. A parent requiring their teenager to come home by curfew isn’t being controlling–they’re establishing safety. But to the teenager, it feels unfair.

A world with boundaries can feel restrictive to some individuals. Toxic individuals see any boundary as an infringement on their personal freedom. They can’t comprehend that their actions affect others. To them, being asked to consider consequences feels like oppression rather than basic consideration.

Dysfunction occurs when no one holds any type of boundary. Without them, chaos ensues because anything goes becomes the standard. What’s interesting is that the boundary-holder often gets portrayed as the bad guy, even when they’re preventing problems others refuse to see.

Perhaps some boundaries can be negotiated. They may occasionally be unreasonable. Boundaries can evolve and change as relationships and circumstances do. But someone has to be willing to establish them in the first place. (The absence of boundaries is much more dangerous than setting them in the wrong spot.)

If you choose to hold boundaries, don’t expect to be praised for it. Expect to be misunderstood. You won’t get credit for preventing problems that never happen because of your boundaries–in fact, you might get blamed for being “difficult.” Best advice: You’re not the problem. You’re often the solution to problems others refuse to acknowledge.